And So I Wondered
by Ein Kampf kann eine Lebenszeit
Summary: So many things I could think about, and all I did think about was the fact that the heat from her body still warmed the car." Alice thinks of just what she could have been missing out on. Please read and review.


The heat from her body still warmed the car.

There was the possibility that I just didn't want to turn the heat off, but I was positive her body had warmed the car much more than the heater ever could. I remember she gave me a hug before she got in. She had given me hugs before, but I never paid much attention to the heat she gave off.

Now it seemed her body was still in the car with me. I sat there, looking at the fog on the window caused by her breath. I leaned over and touched her seat, finding that it was still warm. I shook my head, smiling, and then turned the heater off. I saw her wave from the front room window and pulled away from her house.

I ended up a mile away from the road to my house. I let my car idle as I looked at the clear, spotless window. My mind took me back to when I had first moved here with my family. I was exploring a road up one of the mountains after hours of convincing him to let me take his Volvo. I saw a turn off and took it. Once I got to the end I saw a few cars. None of the other cars knew the others were there most likely, and all the windows were fogged. I laughed, having seen a similar scene in many movies before. I left.

So there I sat. Alone in my car on the side of the road, out of his range. I turned in my seat, facing the side window now, and breathed out. She had done it this morning, then fog covered the window and she drew a star on it. I watched as the air I blew out did nothing to the window. I turned back to the steering wheel. I looked at my small, pale, fragile looking and delicate hands, decorated with rings, even my engagement ring from him. My memory brought up her red, undecorated, soft and fleshy hands. I could always see her heartbeat. The way the skin on her neck and wrist pounded softly as her blood passed under it. Had I ever looked that way to anybody?

At that point I felt empty, hallow. How many heartbeats had I heard that day? And how many had come from my family? We were an oddity of nature. We shouldn't have even existed.

I was tempted, while I was standing there, to take it away. It had the day of my death, and birth. But I hadn't died, so it shouldn't have been there.

I wondered if my hands had ever looked like hers. If they had ever been so soft and warm and fragile. I wondered if I had ever had a father who cared for me as hers did.

Then I wondered if I had loved as she did, and does. What I saw every day between her and my brother was magical. Quite literally at that. My younger brother teased her about how necrophilia was illegal, and we would all laugh. I wondered if my life had ever been close to what hers was like. Before the blackness, that is.

I had been given a life here, with limited restrictions. Not the life I had wanted. I had always, since I can remember, seen teenagers been scolded for being home after midnight. When I came home after midnight Esme gave me a hug and asked how I was. Teenagers also were told constantly not to do drugs, but I didn't have the choice to do drugs. It wasn't fair.

Everyone else remembered their human life, even she would remember hers. Why had I been chosen to have no memory? Why couldn't I remember my mother or father, or younger sister? Had it been the treatments? The drugs? Had there even been treatments or drugs?

I didn't know what it was like to cry. I couldn't remember the feeling of feeling satisfied as food slid down my throat. The rest of them did.

I knew how to love. And hate. And even feel fear. But I would never know what a feeling of true pleasure felt like for a human. There were so many things I didn't and never would know, and even though my current knowledge outweighed that, I still felt ignorant. Yes, I was living vicariously through her, what with the prom, and now planning her wedding. I was living through her, but I would never know how she felt.

I moved to the passenger side of the car and traced the star she had drawn on the window earlier that day.

So many things I could think about, and all I _did_ think about was the fact that the heat from her body still warmed the car.

**Short, I know, but let me know what you think.**


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